


Home Videos

by storyofmine



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cancer, M/M, POV First Person, Phan - Freeform, Sad, after character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 15:10:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14358054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyofmine/pseuds/storyofmine
Summary: After Phil's funeral, Dan comes home and finds a box filled with home videos.





	Home Videos

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Home Videos](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/371619) by Schokokeks120 (me). 



I’m closing the door behind me and am now standing alone in the long hallway of our apartment.

“I’m home, Phil”, I whisper. I wouldn’t get an answer. You’re not here.

It was a hard day which I was expecting, but to experience something is far worse than just thinking about it. It wasn’t only exhausting but long. The hours seemed to never pass and I couldn’t look into the eyes of your family. Not without seeing the hurt about your loss and the pity for me in their eyes.

Pity – the only thing I didn’t want. Reminding me of the loss of the most important thing of my life. Showing how sorry they were feeling for me, even though they lost their son, their brother, their friend. If you were here, you would have tried to comfort them. Asking them why they are crying and wouldn’t laugh because it was a beautiful, sunny day. No cloud in the sky. Nobody should cry on such a nice day.

Or scream. Your mum shouted your name when she saw you in your coffin. Your dad had to leave the church with her to calm her down and they returned 10 minutes later. It wasn’t easy. Not for her, not for your dad, your family… me.

Why would you do something like this? Just leaving and never coming back? It’s not your fault of course but we needed someone to be mad at, so we could feel better.

We knew what caused your death. It was the cancer you had to fight with. In the end it was stronger than you were and after a while you couldn’t keep on fighting and you lost your battle.

It was hard to let you go but I promised I would be there and hold your hand. I kept the promise and you died with me by your side. 

It’s been two weeks since your death and today was your funeral. I sat in the first row together with your parents, your brother, your grandparents and all the people you loved.

I looked at your coffin the whole time, barely blinking and not noticing what was happening around me. It was as if a part of me died with you that day in the hospital.

Please give it back. I can’t live without that piece. Or come back and give it to me personally. Stay when you’ll be back, then you can keep it.

You always had the most important part of me – my heart and may I say: the last years with you by my side were amazing. The nights you would hold me and tell me how beautiful I am because I was insecure again and you were able to see it and you held me even tighter and never let go. I loved you for those nights.

Also, for the days you would invite me to a fancy restaurant even though you knew I was awkward around other people, but you took me out, paid for our food, took my hand and walked with me through the Londoner streets. I loved those evenings.

I loved you and you loved me and I remember the day we were sitting at the doctor’s because breathing got harder for you and the doctor told us the news – stage 3 lung cancer. How was that even possible? 

You were alright. You just had those breathing problems. Or at least that’s the only thing I knew about. 

The doctor couldn’t tell us if you had a high chance of beating the cancer or not yet but he told us he was sure it was more likely you wouldn’t make it. “Sorry”, he said and left us alone in the sterile, white room.

8 months. That’s how long you kept going. Chemotherapy, doctor appointments, more breathing problems, visits from family and friends and getting offered the help of other people more and more. 

I think, that’s what you hated the most. Not being able to do things yourself. You were able to do everything for the first two months but when you fell down the stairs and couldn’t get up because you couldn’t breathe and we rushed you to the hospital, it changed.

“Stay in bed, Phil. We will do it.” “Phil, what are you doing in the kitchen? Go back to the lounge and watch TV or something.” Those weren’t my words. They were your parent’s words mostly. They stayed in our house more often because they were concerned. They cared and lost so much.

I couldn’t tell you to stay in bed or to leave the chores for me to do because I knew it was like hell for you. You could do everything on your own – you weren’t a kid anymore – and one sentence, this damned diagnosis, changed everything.

So, I left work for you to do. Nothing big. No, even though I wanted you to do things, I couldn’t leave the big tasks for you.

It wasn’t that long until you couldn’t do these things, too. You stayed on the couch and watched Anime with me but instead of you holding me, I held you and you buried your head in my shoulder.

Sometimes you buried your head in my chest and you began to cry because everything was too much and you wanted a break. A break from all the pain, the painkillers couldn’t ease, the people worrying about you and just everything. I hated those moments.

The time came when you couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. After 7 months with cancer you hadn’t the energy to lift yourself up in bed and you just laid there and shouted for me. After I came you cried for an hour and then fell asleep in my arms. I knew by then you didn’t have much time left. 

I was right. 3 weeks after that day you were rushed to the hospital. You couldn’t breathe which wasn’t abnormal by then but this time it was different. 

I can’t remember all the things the doctor told me. All I understood was: “He won’t make it through the night. I’m sorry.”

I spent the night by your side and held your hand as you exhaled for the last time.

After the funeral ended, your parents asked me if I wanted to spend some time at their house. They were worried and it made me smile slightly but I refused with a “Thanks, I think I’ll be fine.”

I stayed a little longer than the other ones at your grave and looked down at it, tear after tear rolled down my face.

As soon as I came home, I stood in the hallway for a solid 20 minutes and stared at nothing before slowly making my way to your – our – bedroom, where you spent your last weeks. 

In front of the door I stopped. Did I really want to see what was behind the door? I mean, I knew there would be a bed, a TV, a closet but now it was different.  
With one last breath I opened the door and took two steps into the room and knew immediately it was a bad idea. 

The room smelled like you and it was exactly how we left it. I asked myself where I spent the last two weeks but almost immediately remembered I have never left the lounge. It hurt to stay here and see all the things standing in this room as if nothing happened, as if you were still here.

You weren’t.

I made my way over to the bed where I lay down and cried into your pillow until I fell asleep.

\---

When I woke up it was still dark outside. I didn’t want to stand up but I had to eventually, so I stretched my sore legs and got out of your bed. 

In the bathroom I noticed my red and puffy eyes in the mirror and also the dark circles beneath them. I haven’t slept properly since you left and I don’t think I will for a long time. You are still so present in my life.

As I walked into the lounge I noticed a box next to the TV. I knew what I would find in there but didn’t want to look inside. I was too afraid to see what I didn’t want to see – you.

You always told me that you knew I’d be devastated when you’d eventually die – well, you were right – and when the time felt right I had to open this box and I would know by then what I’m supposed to do.

You wanted to make me happy with this box? I didn’t want to see what was inside but against my own will my legs were moving and soon enough the box was in front of me. I slowly sank down to my knees and opened the box.

Inside were about a dozen home videos of us two. They were labelled “Christmas 2010”, “Manchester ‘09”, “First day in London” and other titles.

I noticed how my wet my eyes got but didn’t bother to hold the tears back.

I took the one called “First date 2013” out of the box and decided hesitantly to watch it.

The floor was hard under my bottom while I was sitting in front of the TV and stared at the video clips playing on the screen.

\---

You filmed yourself in a suit smiling in the camera. 

“Okay, today is the day. I’m taking my beautiful Dan out for a date.” You’re grinning and in the next shot you’re holding the camera in my direction. I’m wearing not a suit but a white button-up and I look, slightly annoyed, into the camera.

“Don’t call me beautiful. I’m not beautiful”, I pouted.

“Oh yes, you are. If you weren’t I wouldn’t say that. You are and you can’t change anything about it”, you said behind the camera, laughing. I blushed and smiled.

The scene changed.

We were outside now and you filmed both of us holding hands and walking along the pavement. We didn’t care about the people looking at us. Their thoughts were the last thing we were thinking about.

You started speaking. “Okay, Dan. Did you enjoy our meal?”

“It was amazing. I have to admit that it wasn’t the food that had my attention though.” This time it was me who was grinning at you.

You looked me in the eyes. Jealousy and confusion shone in your blue orbs. “What do you mean? What had your attention if not the food?”

A laugh escaped my mouth as I leaned in and kissed you on the mouth. “What do you think? The waiter was pretty cute.”

You looked sad, I kissed you again and again until you realised I meant you.

The scene changed again.

We were outside of our apartment now. Lying on the grass and watching the stars. At least that’s what I was doing. You were looking at me with loving eyes and you laid your hand in mine.

It was a beautiful night, seeing as it wasn’t cold, there were no clouds and the moon was shining in between all those stars above us.

“I love you, Dan. I never want to lose you. Please stay with me until the very last day of our life.”

I turned my head to look at you and saw your eyes were wet. You were crying.

“I love you, too, Phil. I’ll never leave you. Why should I? Please don’t cry. Why are you sad?” I asked with concern in my voice.

“Doesn’t matter because you’re here”, you answered and kissed me lovingly.

\---

I spent the night sitting in our lounge and watched all the video tapes you left for me to remember the good times we spent together, the memories we never wanted to forget and the most important thing –

That I loved you.


End file.
